I realize this blog deviates from the usual style I present my entries, but my mood wouldn't let me write this any other way. There are times in which I fail, not as a student, not as a friend, but as a person. Like any other person, I have times where I am feeling like no number of tomorrows would solve my problems, no amount of rainbows would put the smile back on my face, and no amount of kind words would heal my broken heart. These are all common instances in real life, something we all must learn to live with.
But unlike the many people who deal with these problems, I try time after time to face these problems alone. Relying on an already broken and burdened spirit to be the only source of solutions to my problems, I am quite sure that it's only by God's intervention on many occasions that I am still here today. People are interesting to me, and it's a blast to hang out with them once in a while, but I can never seem to rely on them when I should. Not because they themselves are unreliable, but because I have never learnt to trust people to carry me through my darkest hours.
The one person I always find myself talking to about my problems is... myself. The majority of my deep and meaningful conversations are with my own thoughts. This probably isn't as productive as a conversation with someone else, and definitely not as healthy. I am well aware of the 'issues' that this kind of behaviour is indicative of, but I need that interaction, even if it is only with myself. So for the remainder of this entry, I'd like to present one such conversation with myself, jazzed up with a few touches from my literary interests.
I approached My Self with a calm exterior, and it rightly reflected my interior feelings, because as anxious and uncertain he would often appear about his own insecurities, I always knew what was real underneath the fake veneer he used. My Self wanted to meet, to discuss something important. I was curious as to what it would be, but I had a pretty good idea of what to expect.
"Hey," I said, catching his attention. Waving briefly, I continued, "So what did you need to talk about?"
My Self was nervous and agitated, and it was a part of him that I really didn't like, but I've never complained too much. He looked around, as if paranoid we were being overheard, before replying, "I wanted to talk about how I have problems talking to other people."
I sighed on the inside. This was exactly what I expected would come up. Showing some concern, I asked patiently, "What sort of problems?"
"Sometimes I like hanging around people, but sometimes I can't stand having to be there when they're around. When we hang out, they can make me feel great, but other times, they can just as easily leave me feeling like crap, wishing I'd never been there in the first place."
"That's pretty common, isn't it?" I reasoned to My Self, shrugging with nonchalance. "I mean, there's bound to be people out there who are nice to be with and some who you just shouldn't be spending time with anyways, right?"
My Self continued to furrow his brow, maintaining a troubled expression on his face. "It's more than that. I mean, it's the same people that can make me feel both ways sometimes. How is that even possible? It must be something about them that just changes from time to time. Why else would I feel like this?"
I shook my head in disbelief. It was as though he was blind. The answer to his problem was within his grasp, but he just couldn't see it, and it was as though he just hoped it was a problem with other people and not himself. I didn't really want to reveal that to him. But I saw no other choice.
"You don't ever really be yourself." I was exasperated, telling My Self this answer. "You don't let people see who you really are, and you will always end up in worse shape doing that."
"I don't like the fact that people know what makes me who I am," My Self replied with a cringe. "I hate that people know who I really am."
His expression seemed resolute, but his voice was quavering noticeably.
"You're right about that," I confirmed cheerlessly. "I know that you absolutely hate it when people find out the real facts about you. But I also know that you actually hate it more when they don't know who you really are."
I could see that My Self was taken aback by these words, and he seemed to become more defensive in his stance, so I dived quickly into my next sentence.
"Sure, it's crap when people find out something about you and you lose your sense of mystery about you," I argued sarcastically. "I'm sure that's a huge letdown for someone who wants to seclude himself from the rest of society. But I know that you're very disappointed when someone doesn't take the time and effort to find out those things about you without you actually telling them."
"Well, they should take the time and effort, I'm not worthless," My Self pouted, a bit indignant at the thought. "It's not impossible for them to talk to me once in a while about something that isn't just shallow and trivial."
"Actually, you'd be surprised," I said plainly. "There are so many things about you that need to change for that to happen."
"Name them."
I was blunt about it, because gentleness simply wasn't an option. "People think you carry the truth about you, think you care about it, but you're a compulsive liar, and you will never tell the truth if the lie will serve you better."
My Self and I, we could lie to anyone, but we couldn't lie to ourselves. He couldn't be truthful if his life depended on it, he lies like it's a skill, but in the end, it's just anything but the truth.
"You keep putting that stupid smile on your face, like you're happy with your life and your relationships, but inside, you're almost always feeling down, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, and you try your best never to let it show."
To the world, My Self is happy, and is often seen with that stupid stupid smile of his, but deep down, he's unhappy all the time, and he tries to make sure no one sees it.
"You're so sincere and earnest about wanting to do good and serve other causes than your own, but always thinking about your own circumstances at some level, seeing where you might benefit from it."
My Self thinks about a lot of things, he is good at generating ideas, but a little too good, and sometimes just ends up being too self-centered in his thinking.
"You pretend like you like hanging out with the crowd, being part of the group, but you feel just as detached, just as alone with other people around as you do when you're by yourself."
I see My Self with people, and he reacts like he should on the outside, but he never really changes on the inside. After the people have disappeared, he's the same as he always was, without that connection to the other people.
My Self was troubled by my statements, not because they were false, but because they were true. He seemed silent, so I continued on.
"Why do you think you are who you are?" I quietly asked. "Why did you end up being so distant and unwilling to open up to other people about these problems?"
His answer was tentative, but he seemed committed to it. "I don't know why, but I've always had the feeling that people were more interested in what I do than who I am. The things I've accomplished are far more interesting than I actually am."
"That doesn't make you uninteresting," I comforted.
"I know." My Self nodded in acknowledgment. "But I don't know how I could ever get them to see that."
"They probably do. And they probably know a little bit more about you now than they did before."
We said our goodbyes, and walked our separate ways, at least for now. We would meet again to discuss our thoughts soon enough, because we were the same person, all things aside.
So this narration is a literary rewrite of an actual conversation I had with myself. I don't remember ever doing this before, but since this blog is all about me, it's probably an appropriate place to put it. I don't doubt that some people will find it a little weird. If so, excuse my quirky personality/personae.
My Self is who I portray myself as, when I am out and about in the world. This is who you see, but not necessarily who I am. The narrator 'I' is the person who I really am, and who I would be if I stripped away all the false layers.
In the end, they are both a part of me, but they serve different purposes, and I would like to get rid of one of them eventually. But I don't know when that will be yet.
Well, that wraps up another entry. It's helped me lift my spirits a little, just to write my thoughts down, because my deep and meaningful conversations with other people are very few in number.
Thanks guys,
See you all next time
Monday 27 October 2008
Wednesday 6 August 2008
Tea Trip Pull Sea
Hello! :)
Let me tell you a story about a boy who made some mistakes in his life. He believed in a world that was constantly against him, until he soon faced each morning thinking it was him against everyone else. It was a world where he trusted himself above even his friends and family. Life was preciously gifted, but painful nonetheless. Each day was dreaded, each moment squandered without a thought for what could have happened instead of what did.
In fact, this story is about me. Perhaps the only part of it that is false is that I would rather refer to myself as a man than a boy. Otherwise, it perfectly and succinctly summarises how I felt about my own existence, until my views on life were changed.
Everybody loves acronyms. Acronyms may be the single most useful invention since the abacus. And that was made a long long time ago. Well, a bit of an exaggeration really. 'Useful' is hardly the term that describes them well. But 'memorable' is.
Tea trip pull sea. Or, you could remember this instead: TCCC. (In case people are still scratching their heads, I'll explain that 'tea trip pull sea' is phonetically identical to the pronunciation of the acronym TCCC, ala "T triple C")
A month or two ago, I gave a short presentation on TCCC concerning how it was something I learned at our annual youth camp, but to be perfectly honest (apologies to anyone who was deceived by my deception) it was a concept that had been blossoming for a long time before camp. It is really something that has emerged as my new understanding and view of the importance of social interaction (i.e. between me and everyone else), somewhat of an ideal which I would like to aspire to.
It's probably time for me to present what TCCC is indeed an acronym for. It's so simple that an idiot could have (and did) invented it.
T hankfulness
C onsideration
C ourtesy
C ooperation
T hankfulness
The world is largely a thankless place. The deserving things we've received we take with pride and arrogance, the undeserving things we're received we regard with little thought and humility, the deserving things we've been denied we whine and moan about as injustice, and the undeserving things we've been denied we still whine and moan about as unjust. I believe to give thanks takes something unworldly, inhuman by design, because we constantly want, and rarely feel content and satisfied with our present self.
Perhaps I feel that way about how my social interactions have been. It is true that very oftentimes, I am the one who, at a party, eventually fades from the foreground to the background, perhaps because i fade easily, others are more interesting, or I simply don't have the social endurance to sustain intense interactions for lengthy periods of time. These rationalisations were firm on the surface, but crumbled deep down in my psyche. I was upset that people devoted so much of their time to people that weren't me.
But in realising that there are also times where they do devote their time to accompany me, entertain me and make me feel appreciated, I believe I need to show a great deal more thankfulness for these moments, and a great deal less self-pity and unwarranted greed for attention. Only then can I realise the true value of the precious moments that I spend in the company of those who are dear to me.
C onsideration
I believe when it comes to social interaction, there are two voices that speak to you. One says, "I... I... I... I... I...", while the other says, "They... they... they... they... they...". However, most people will experience a great discrepancy between their perceptions of one versus the other. In the majority of people, the first voice will sound much louder than the second, and as a result, people tend to focus their attention on selfish thoughts and motives, without adequate consideration for others'.
In the past, I very often saw the needs of only myself, and no other. I felt as though the people around me constantly ignored my existence whenever possible, and where I saw people forming tight circles of friendship, I saw myself being excluded and isolated from these circles, always observing from outside, unable to truly experience what happened within the bond of true friendship. Holding onto that perception of my own self-pity and loneliness, I wished, and indeed, expected that such loneliness should have been compensated, by a kind word, a gentle action when I needed it, but when such things happened, it was ephemeral and short-lived.
What was it that made my friendship so much less appealing than that which was formed with someone else? Why did my 'friends' never attend to me in the same manner they did others?
I believe that in writing this, I will unintentionally insult at least one person who reads it, and for others still it will stir within them a sense of guilt. But I should interject first by saying that as a memoir of my past, this entry has no power on the present but to inform. If you feel such a feeling arising, it is unnecessary. I am not trying to place blame or burden anyone with despondent feelings of guilt or remorse.
I came to the realisation that in believing that I was deserving, I was raising myself to a higher status than I had actually obtained for myself. I was a 'friend' by name, but by actions and deeds, what had I given to my friends that was of value and was sufficient enough to be considered for reciprocation? Better 'friends' to my friend were certainly more deserving in this respect, and had every right to receive everything they did. In belittling myself (in a good way), I could see how much bigger the world was, and how little I had actually explored and discovered for myself. At the same time, a smaller me needed less attention, and I became more content with the acknowledgment I already received. I needed to be considerate, and in turn acknowledge that there is a reason some people are liked more than others. I believe that for some, they may just be a better friend than I.
C ourtesy
Gifted with a mind capable of calculation, invention and imagination, we sometimes calculate too much the value behind the actions of others, invent too much the motives behind the actions of others, and imagine too much the emotions behind the actions of others. A mind that is incapable of stopping, for fear of losing its advantage over mindless others, can be a terrible burden to its owner, and a terrible strain on even the strongest links between people, if it is not contained within the bounds of courteous thought.
To be perfectly honest, this aspect has changed the least, for the reason that my mind is unkempt and unleashed. But discipline is on my agenda, and with time, I hope to possess a courteous mind towards others. However, much of my past experience echoes my current experience in this regard, to my great disappointment.
Reading into the motives of others is second nature for a great number of people, because it serves to gauge why someone chooses their course of action. Reading into the dispositions of others is second nature also, because it serve to gauge why someone chooses their course of interaction with the reader. However, when one perceives the majority of his or her social interactions to be negatively tinged, it is only logical that dispositions are all too often read to be negatively tinged also.
I am extremely prejudiced towards the people I know. From the outset, I will forgo all prior knowledge I have of them and presume they dislike me. During a time, this was an extremely accurate strategy. However, as time has progressed, I have held onto this view, most likely out of sheer laziness. It is much less accurate now, but still permeates my view of the people around me. It has become second nature for me to assume that the people in my life dislike me at some level, which is unfortunate for a number of reasons.
Firstly, I will undoubtedly treat someone whom I believe holds me in positive regard differently than someone who feels oppositely. Second, I will likely never be as close to these people as friends than I could have otherwise, because I feel no point in trying. And lastly, it's insulting to everyone who are genuine in their positive regard towards me, for me to replace such intentions with fabricated attitudes of animosity.
This in my mind is not courteous towards my acquaintances, and distances me from people around me. There may well be times where someone's actions leads you to think on such negative thoughts, but we need to have a buffer capable of absorbing a number of misfortunes before we form our judgments. We wouldn't like others to expect perfection of us, nor should we expect perfection of others. Holding this courtesy towards others is a step towards better interactions.
C ooperation
Zero-sum games are very difficult to tolerate. They prelude one side's eventual loss, when the other triumphs. Zero-sum games are incapable of conducing harmony between participants. Even the best of friends can be torn apart by such a contest, simply because the nature of zero-sum is the windfall of one facilitated by the downfall of the other. In contrast, non-zero-sum games are able to generate a great deal of harmony and cooperation, even between the most unlikely partners. In such a sense, what importance does this logic hold for social interaction?
Time is a luxury that we have been given to squander as we see fit. The vision a person holds for their life determines how wisely he spends his time. If all he sees is what interests himself, when no other holds the same vision, he is destined to pour his efforts into ventures which are a zero-sum game. He will be isolated, lonely, and forgotten. He travels a road he paves himself, because he holds no interests in those laid by others before him.
However, if he sees others in his future, he can pour his efforts into ventures which are a non-zero-sum game. He will spend his time in the presence of others with similar ventures, similar hopes, similar futures, and be surrounded, accompanied, and remembered. He travels with companions who are happy to have him in their company and he is happy to have them in his. Together, they forge a path more prominent than a single man could ever make.
Perhaps this seems a bit poetic (a bit). What of it though? Do we see greater value in pursuing an individual dream, or do we see greater value in pursuing a collective dream? One person is capable of good things, but many people are capable of great things. Very often, I refer to myself as a non-conformist. Slowly, ever so slowly, people acknowledge that this ideal is fading. Partly because I feel slightly jaded by the ideal, but also because I want to be involved in the lives of others.
I admit that I feel awkward in situations where I step away from my usual persona in doing something different from my routine, but I enjoy it. I enjoy it not because the activity was adventurous and exciting, but because the company I was with gives me a feeling of contentment that is equal to none. But the nature of cooperation is to lose a part of yourself to create something much much bigger.
I don't know if you expected to learn anything significant from this entry. To my mind, this was a chance to write my thoughts and express a part of me that is in the dark the majority of the time. I am a complicated person. Above that, I try hard to hide myself from others, and I will often know more about someone else than they will know about me. However, hopefully, after today, my thoughts on social interaction will not be a mystery unknown.
Till next write --
N.B. This post was completed on the 15th August 2008, and took 9 days to finish
Let me tell you a story about a boy who made some mistakes in his life. He believed in a world that was constantly against him, until he soon faced each morning thinking it was him against everyone else. It was a world where he trusted himself above even his friends and family. Life was preciously gifted, but painful nonetheless. Each day was dreaded, each moment squandered without a thought for what could have happened instead of what did.
In fact, this story is about me. Perhaps the only part of it that is false is that I would rather refer to myself as a man than a boy. Otherwise, it perfectly and succinctly summarises how I felt about my own existence, until my views on life were changed.
Everybody loves acronyms. Acronyms may be the single most useful invention since the abacus. And that was made a long long time ago. Well, a bit of an exaggeration really. 'Useful' is hardly the term that describes them well. But 'memorable' is.
Tea trip pull sea. Or, you could remember this instead: TCCC. (In case people are still scratching their heads, I'll explain that 'tea trip pull sea' is phonetically identical to the pronunciation of the acronym TCCC, ala "T triple C")
A month or two ago, I gave a short presentation on TCCC concerning how it was something I learned at our annual youth camp, but to be perfectly honest (apologies to anyone who was deceived by my deception) it was a concept that had been blossoming for a long time before camp. It is really something that has emerged as my new understanding and view of the importance of social interaction (i.e. between me and everyone else), somewhat of an ideal which I would like to aspire to.
It's probably time for me to present what TCCC is indeed an acronym for. It's so simple that an idiot could have (and did) invented it.
T hankfulness
C onsideration
C ourtesy
C ooperation
T hankfulness
The world is largely a thankless place. The deserving things we've received we take with pride and arrogance, the undeserving things we're received we regard with little thought and humility, the deserving things we've been denied we whine and moan about as injustice, and the undeserving things we've been denied we still whine and moan about as unjust. I believe to give thanks takes something unworldly, inhuman by design, because we constantly want, and rarely feel content and satisfied with our present self.
Perhaps I feel that way about how my social interactions have been. It is true that very oftentimes, I am the one who, at a party, eventually fades from the foreground to the background, perhaps because i fade easily, others are more interesting, or I simply don't have the social endurance to sustain intense interactions for lengthy periods of time. These rationalisations were firm on the surface, but crumbled deep down in my psyche. I was upset that people devoted so much of their time to people that weren't me.
But in realising that there are also times where they do devote their time to accompany me, entertain me and make me feel appreciated, I believe I need to show a great deal more thankfulness for these moments, and a great deal less self-pity and unwarranted greed for attention. Only then can I realise the true value of the precious moments that I spend in the company of those who are dear to me.
C onsideration
I believe when it comes to social interaction, there are two voices that speak to you. One says, "I... I... I... I... I...", while the other says, "They... they... they... they... they...". However, most people will experience a great discrepancy between their perceptions of one versus the other. In the majority of people, the first voice will sound much louder than the second, and as a result, people tend to focus their attention on selfish thoughts and motives, without adequate consideration for others'.
In the past, I very often saw the needs of only myself, and no other. I felt as though the people around me constantly ignored my existence whenever possible, and where I saw people forming tight circles of friendship, I saw myself being excluded and isolated from these circles, always observing from outside, unable to truly experience what happened within the bond of true friendship. Holding onto that perception of my own self-pity and loneliness, I wished, and indeed, expected that such loneliness should have been compensated, by a kind word, a gentle action when I needed it, but when such things happened, it was ephemeral and short-lived.
What was it that made my friendship so much less appealing than that which was formed with someone else? Why did my 'friends' never attend to me in the same manner they did others?
I believe that in writing this, I will unintentionally insult at least one person who reads it, and for others still it will stir within them a sense of guilt. But I should interject first by saying that as a memoir of my past, this entry has no power on the present but to inform. If you feel such a feeling arising, it is unnecessary. I am not trying to place blame or burden anyone with despondent feelings of guilt or remorse.
I came to the realisation that in believing that I was deserving, I was raising myself to a higher status than I had actually obtained for myself. I was a 'friend' by name, but by actions and deeds, what had I given to my friends that was of value and was sufficient enough to be considered for reciprocation? Better 'friends' to my friend were certainly more deserving in this respect, and had every right to receive everything they did. In belittling myself (in a good way), I could see how much bigger the world was, and how little I had actually explored and discovered for myself. At the same time, a smaller me needed less attention, and I became more content with the acknowledgment I already received. I needed to be considerate, and in turn acknowledge that there is a reason some people are liked more than others. I believe that for some, they may just be a better friend than I.
C ourtesy
Gifted with a mind capable of calculation, invention and imagination, we sometimes calculate too much the value behind the actions of others, invent too much the motives behind the actions of others, and imagine too much the emotions behind the actions of others. A mind that is incapable of stopping, for fear of losing its advantage over mindless others, can be a terrible burden to its owner, and a terrible strain on even the strongest links between people, if it is not contained within the bounds of courteous thought.
To be perfectly honest, this aspect has changed the least, for the reason that my mind is unkempt and unleashed. But discipline is on my agenda, and with time, I hope to possess a courteous mind towards others. However, much of my past experience echoes my current experience in this regard, to my great disappointment.
Reading into the motives of others is second nature for a great number of people, because it serves to gauge why someone chooses their course of action. Reading into the dispositions of others is second nature also, because it serve to gauge why someone chooses their course of interaction with the reader. However, when one perceives the majority of his or her social interactions to be negatively tinged, it is only logical that dispositions are all too often read to be negatively tinged also.
I am extremely prejudiced towards the people I know. From the outset, I will forgo all prior knowledge I have of them and presume they dislike me. During a time, this was an extremely accurate strategy. However, as time has progressed, I have held onto this view, most likely out of sheer laziness. It is much less accurate now, but still permeates my view of the people around me. It has become second nature for me to assume that the people in my life dislike me at some level, which is unfortunate for a number of reasons.
Firstly, I will undoubtedly treat someone whom I believe holds me in positive regard differently than someone who feels oppositely. Second, I will likely never be as close to these people as friends than I could have otherwise, because I feel no point in trying. And lastly, it's insulting to everyone who are genuine in their positive regard towards me, for me to replace such intentions with fabricated attitudes of animosity.
This in my mind is not courteous towards my acquaintances, and distances me from people around me. There may well be times where someone's actions leads you to think on such negative thoughts, but we need to have a buffer capable of absorbing a number of misfortunes before we form our judgments. We wouldn't like others to expect perfection of us, nor should we expect perfection of others. Holding this courtesy towards others is a step towards better interactions.
C ooperation
Zero-sum games are very difficult to tolerate. They prelude one side's eventual loss, when the other triumphs. Zero-sum games are incapable of conducing harmony between participants. Even the best of friends can be torn apart by such a contest, simply because the nature of zero-sum is the windfall of one facilitated by the downfall of the other. In contrast, non-zero-sum games are able to generate a great deal of harmony and cooperation, even between the most unlikely partners. In such a sense, what importance does this logic hold for social interaction?
Time is a luxury that we have been given to squander as we see fit. The vision a person holds for their life determines how wisely he spends his time. If all he sees is what interests himself, when no other holds the same vision, he is destined to pour his efforts into ventures which are a zero-sum game. He will be isolated, lonely, and forgotten. He travels a road he paves himself, because he holds no interests in those laid by others before him.
However, if he sees others in his future, he can pour his efforts into ventures which are a non-zero-sum game. He will spend his time in the presence of others with similar ventures, similar hopes, similar futures, and be surrounded, accompanied, and remembered. He travels with companions who are happy to have him in their company and he is happy to have them in his. Together, they forge a path more prominent than a single man could ever make.
Perhaps this seems a bit poetic (a bit). What of it though? Do we see greater value in pursuing an individual dream, or do we see greater value in pursuing a collective dream? One person is capable of good things, but many people are capable of great things. Very often, I refer to myself as a non-conformist. Slowly, ever so slowly, people acknowledge that this ideal is fading. Partly because I feel slightly jaded by the ideal, but also because I want to be involved in the lives of others.
I admit that I feel awkward in situations where I step away from my usual persona in doing something different from my routine, but I enjoy it. I enjoy it not because the activity was adventurous and exciting, but because the company I was with gives me a feeling of contentment that is equal to none. But the nature of cooperation is to lose a part of yourself to create something much much bigger.
I don't know if you expected to learn anything significant from this entry. To my mind, this was a chance to write my thoughts and express a part of me that is in the dark the majority of the time. I am a complicated person. Above that, I try hard to hide myself from others, and I will often know more about someone else than they will know about me. However, hopefully, after today, my thoughts on social interaction will not be a mystery unknown.
Till next write --
N.B. This post was completed on the 15th August 2008, and took 9 days to finish
Wednesday 16 July 2008
2008 - The Year that Beijing gave Athletes Asthma
Hello! :)
So hard to believe it's already 2008. And last than half of it remains. Still, at least it's the interesting half, given that there's the Olympics, a whole bunch of birthdays, the time for year 12's to wrestle with the two Q's, QCS and QTAC (at least in Queensland anyways), and personally, my thesis submission to look forward to. That last one is really like a sarcastic "interesting", but I thought it deserves a mention. In fact, there are a plethora of miscellaneous events worth mentioning. But I'm no historian. So let's get on with the blog.
Can you believe I actually forgot what my own blog was called? Not like the title, but the address, so I didn't really abandon it per se, I just couldn't find it. Thanks to Steph, who has linked my blog on hers. Lets me slide on that awkward moment where I ask someone what my own blog is called.
-_-"
Anyways, I found it, as you can see, and seeing as how that whole fiasco stands as a testament to my slowly fading memory, it makes sense that I blog to keep the memories in a secondary form (the internet), which is more or less as reliable as the primary (my head).
As stated in the title, the year is 2008 (gosh, I hope that's right), and besides from the Beijing Olympics, it is a momentous year for another reason. I'm not referring to World Youth Day, the Obama vs. Clinton campaign wars, global warming, the continuing conflicts in Iraq, political turmoil in Zimbabwe, China's devastating earthquakes, Queensland triumphing State of Origin our third year running, or our local superstar Heath Ledger's passing. I'm referring to the day that I shed my shell.
I don't doubt for a second that this is very much a self-centered rant of a blog entry, but once a year shouldn't be a hard sell. To begin with....
I was born in a wonderful city called Hong Kong....
....
....
....
On second thought, I might save that for my autobiography. To be perfectly honest, my life I would describe as having been both great and crap at the same time. The silver spoon isn't quite there when I open my mouth and look in the mirror, but I've never had to worry about the clothes on my back or food on the table.
I can't
I. outplay Kasparov at chess,
II. outthink Einstein at physics,
III. outwit Letterman in a discussion, or
IV. outsmart Gates at computer design, but
I can
A. write fiction that doesn't suck, despite reading very little,
B. construct all kinds of weird and wonderful things with Lego, even at the age of five, despite having fat little fingers, and killing my nails each time I had to pull the pieces apart,
C. recite the multiplication table well enough that I would never get out in a game of "around the world" (grade 3), despite knowing the torment and ridicule maths nerds inevitably face, and
D. get an OP 2 in grade 12, despite never studying for any of my high school subjects (except Maths C, which, fittingly, I got a C for :D)
I am smart, when it comes to academics. However, as I progressed through life, I realized how pointless this intelligence was. It does its job, but its job is a very narrow one. A comparable situation that comes to mind is one from The Simpsons.
Homer: Let me ask you something: does your money cheer you up when you're feeling blue?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
Homer: Okay, bad example. So let me ask you this: does your money ever hug you when you come home at night?
Mr. Burns: Why, no.
Homer: And does it say "I love you"?
Mr. Burns: No, it doesn't.
Homer: (chanting) Nobody love you, nobody loves you...
Stupid brain, doesn't even do the first thing right. Anyways, I could go into a whole spiel about my brain and the things it doesn't do right, but then I'd run into the mind-body problem, which I suppose is the psychology equivalent of the predestination brick wall we crash into every once in a while at bible study. In any case, I have spent a good deal of my time on this planet focusing on the wrong thing. Intelligence is good, but it doesn't cheer me up when I'm blue, hug me when I come home, or say "I love you".
At some point in my life, some ways into high school to my memory, I committed myself to detachment from other people. Reason? I was an overweight, unattractive, awkward, nerdy boy. In all likelihood, my friends would decrease in number, not increase. So why not skip the long painful journey in between and just cut off all social relationships from the go? Save myself some time and focus on other fruitful ventures.
Unfortunately, I am still overweight, unattractive, awkward and nerdy. And I'm still a boy. But now, I think I see things very differently. However, do I now think that my friends will increase in number as opposed to the opposite? No, I don't. In fact, I don't think about anything even remotely close to this. Predicting what the future will be like, what may or may not befall you, how your circumstances may or may not change, I say leave that to the psychics and the gypsies. Reliving my failures, tormenting myself with memories of humiliation and embarassment, I say leave that to the historians and comedians.
That is not who I am anymore.
I can attest now, that I am not a psychic or a gypsy or a historian or a comedian.
I am a psychologist.
I am a Yau.
And I
AM
JACKY
What's my name? J-A-C-K-Y
J-ust
A-ccepting,
C-oncentrating on, and
K-apturing what he
Y-earns for
Well, I have a last name too I suppose.
Y-earns
A-fter
U-nreplaceable treasures
Yes, I realize the word is irreplaceable, but Yai sounds like crap :P.
I want to store up for myself treasures that will last for eternity, past a single lifetime. But to do that, I have to do one thing:
FOCUS ON TODAY
Our lives consist of three days:
Yesterday Today Tomorrow
But why write it like this? This is how it should be written:
Yesterday Today Tomorrow
In the face of TODAY, yesterday and tomorrow are a mere whisper. They exist and have value in and of themselves, but today has the greatest value of all. I've decided not to let visions of a lonely future or memories of broken dreams from the past crush my chance at the present. You could describe me as an introvert before, as RL would put it, crawling into my shell when I felt something was nearby.
But the shell has come off. From today onwards, I hope that you would describe me as an extrovert. Not because that's what I'd like to hear, but because you honestly see that in me. If that should happen, then I will have succeeded, and I have kaptured when I yearn for. Will I be a bit more annoying? A bit more unpredictable? A bit more inappropriate at times?
I laugh out loud at present, because I hope these will all be true. Because to me, this is what it is to kapture the present. I'm rambling now, because I write blogs like lightning: I strike wherever I can and try to make as big a hole as possible.
So let me end by saying
SVEN ROCKS - BUT -
THIS - IS - NOT - A - SVEN - BLOG
SORRY XD XD XD XD
I AM JACKY~~~~~$(&#$!(&^@#%
If you don't get this, good for you. Seriously.
Till next write --
So hard to believe it's already 2008. And last than half of it remains. Still, at least it's the interesting half, given that there's the Olympics, a whole bunch of birthdays, the time for year 12's to wrestle with the two Q's, QCS and QTAC (at least in Queensland anyways), and personally, my thesis submission to look forward to. That last one is really like a sarcastic "interesting", but I thought it deserves a mention. In fact, there are a plethora of miscellaneous events worth mentioning. But I'm no historian. So let's get on with the blog.
Can you believe I actually forgot what my own blog was called? Not like the title, but the address, so I didn't really abandon it per se, I just couldn't find it. Thanks to Steph, who has linked my blog on hers. Lets me slide on that awkward moment where I ask someone what my own blog is called.
-_-"
Anyways, I found it, as you can see, and seeing as how that whole fiasco stands as a testament to my slowly fading memory, it makes sense that I blog to keep the memories in a secondary form (the internet), which is more or less as reliable as the primary (my head).
As stated in the title, the year is 2008 (gosh, I hope that's right), and besides from the Beijing Olympics, it is a momentous year for another reason. I'm not referring to World Youth Day, the Obama vs. Clinton campaign wars, global warming, the continuing conflicts in Iraq, political turmoil in Zimbabwe, China's devastating earthquakes, Queensland triumphing State of Origin our third year running, or our local superstar Heath Ledger's passing. I'm referring to the day that I shed my shell.
I don't doubt for a second that this is very much a self-centered rant of a blog entry, but once a year shouldn't be a hard sell. To begin with....
I was born in a wonderful city called Hong Kong....
....
....
....
On second thought, I might save that for my autobiography. To be perfectly honest, my life I would describe as having been both great and crap at the same time. The silver spoon isn't quite there when I open my mouth and look in the mirror, but I've never had to worry about the clothes on my back or food on the table.
I can't
I. outplay Kasparov at chess,
II. outthink Einstein at physics,
III. outwit Letterman in a discussion, or
IV. outsmart Gates at computer design, but
I can
A. write fiction that doesn't suck, despite reading very little,
B. construct all kinds of weird and wonderful things with Lego, even at the age of five, despite having fat little fingers, and killing my nails each time I had to pull the pieces apart,
C. recite the multiplication table well enough that I would never get out in a game of "around the world" (grade 3), despite knowing the torment and ridicule maths nerds inevitably face, and
D. get an OP 2 in grade 12, despite never studying for any of my high school subjects (except Maths C, which, fittingly, I got a C for :D)
I am smart, when it comes to academics. However, as I progressed through life, I realized how pointless this intelligence was. It does its job, but its job is a very narrow one. A comparable situation that comes to mind is one from The Simpsons.
Homer: Let me ask you something: does your money cheer you up when you're feeling blue?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
Homer: Okay, bad example. So let me ask you this: does your money ever hug you when you come home at night?
Mr. Burns: Why, no.
Homer: And does it say "I love you"?
Mr. Burns: No, it doesn't.
Homer: (chanting) Nobody love you, nobody loves you...
Stupid brain, doesn't even do the first thing right. Anyways, I could go into a whole spiel about my brain and the things it doesn't do right, but then I'd run into the mind-body problem, which I suppose is the psychology equivalent of the predestination brick wall we crash into every once in a while at bible study. In any case, I have spent a good deal of my time on this planet focusing on the wrong thing. Intelligence is good, but it doesn't cheer me up when I'm blue, hug me when I come home, or say "I love you".
At some point in my life, some ways into high school to my memory, I committed myself to detachment from other people. Reason? I was an overweight, unattractive, awkward, nerdy boy. In all likelihood, my friends would decrease in number, not increase. So why not skip the long painful journey in between and just cut off all social relationships from the go? Save myself some time and focus on other fruitful ventures.
Unfortunately, I am still overweight, unattractive, awkward and nerdy. And I'm still a boy. But now, I think I see things very differently. However, do I now think that my friends will increase in number as opposed to the opposite? No, I don't. In fact, I don't think about anything even remotely close to this. Predicting what the future will be like, what may or may not befall you, how your circumstances may or may not change, I say leave that to the psychics and the gypsies. Reliving my failures, tormenting myself with memories of humiliation and embarassment, I say leave that to the historians and comedians.
That is not who I am anymore.
I can attest now, that I am not a psychic or a gypsy or a historian or a comedian.
I am a psychologist.
I am a Yau.
And I
AM
JACKY
What's my name? J-A-C-K-Y
J-ust
A-ccepting,
C-oncentrating on, and
K-apturing what he
Y-earns for
Well, I have a last name too I suppose.
Y-earns
A-fter
U-nreplaceable treasures
Yes, I realize the word is irreplaceable, but Yai sounds like crap :P.
I want to store up for myself treasures that will last for eternity, past a single lifetime. But to do that, I have to do one thing:
FOCUS ON TODAY
Our lives consist of three days:
Yesterday Today Tomorrow
But why write it like this? This is how it should be written:
Yesterday Today Tomorrow
In the face of TODAY, yesterday and tomorrow are a mere whisper. They exist and have value in and of themselves, but today has the greatest value of all. I've decided not to let visions of a lonely future or memories of broken dreams from the past crush my chance at the present. You could describe me as an introvert before, as RL would put it, crawling into my shell when I felt something was nearby.
But the shell has come off. From today onwards, I hope that you would describe me as an extrovert. Not because that's what I'd like to hear, but because you honestly see that in me. If that should happen, then I will have succeeded, and I have kaptured when I yearn for. Will I be a bit more annoying? A bit more unpredictable? A bit more inappropriate at times?
I laugh out loud at present, because I hope these will all be true. Because to me, this is what it is to kapture the present. I'm rambling now, because I write blogs like lightning: I strike wherever I can and try to make as big a hole as possible.
So let me end by saying
SVEN ROCKS - BUT -
THIS - IS - NOT - A - SVEN - BLOG
SORRY XD XD XD XD
I AM JACKY~~~~~$(&#$!(&^@#%
If you don't get this, good for you. Seriously.
Till next write --
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